Checking out

It's now Wednesday.

I did not sleep much last night.
My mind is filled with the endless list of things I need to do, things that need securing, plans needing to be made, phone calls to make, and on... and on... and on...

My Father's pain seems to have once again been met by the powers of serious meds. We have been given the green light to double the quantity of his base level pain meds.

He has been retreating. Food is becoming more of a burden than a desire or a treat. His weight is at an all time low. I am guessing we're at or below 100lbs, or I am getting stronger and able to lift him easier.

His voice changed before I arrived. It is an almost robotic mechanical sound now.

He coughs, but it isn't the kind of cough you or I are used to. This is a gentle cough because he simply does not have the energy. It is wet and I imagine his lungs are full of fluid.

I was nervous about leaving tomorrow, but I really have to balance between my family in Portland and my parents now. I have come to the realization that there simply isn't more that I could do. Everyone will have their own personal feelings about my departing and likely not being present when my Father does go, but then what other people think really does not matter to me in this particular case.

No one can interpret, experience, analyze what I have done. The conversations with my father, the words, emotions, feelings and concerns he shared with me - all of them are treasures that I will hold close to my soul for the rest of my days.

I really need to sleep. I really think I need to look into some pharmaceutical help with sleep once I get back home.

Back to the grind now. Phone calls, arrangements, rescuing the security my mother should feel and has earned.